Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Fire!!

Turkey-Drumstick-Legs got back from a working jaunt to San Francisco. He called me yesterday morning and asked if I wanted to "go for a ride".

"Go for a ride" to Turkey-Drumstick-Legs means exactly what we did. 3 Hours and 45 minutes worth of climbing up the steepest hills we got around here.

I tend to run very deisel-like in everything I do. I don't run too fast, but I run consistent and for a long time. This was how I approached our ride, and it worked for maybe the first three hours and fifteen minutes. I was so tired by that point that I got us lost on the way home, failing to recognize a small road leading off the fire road we were climbing as the one we needed to take. Not only did that result in adding more and more hills to my already spent legs, it got us into the backyard of some very hillbillyish folks with "Tresspassers Will Be Shot" signs and lots of trashy cars strewn about their yard.

We had to backtrack back up to the ridge we had just come over, which, to my already worn out legs, was tortuous.

It's rare for me to contemplate getting off my bike and lying down in the grass and never getting up again, but that's the thought I was fighting as I pushed onward back up to the ridgetop where I knew downhill awaited. When we finally ridged-out, I requested that we stop and allow my brain to get some needed oxygen. I was light headed and very tired and we had a very steep downhill to descend. I was so tired I was giddy, and the combo of tired and giddy and downhill biking seemed like a dangerous one.

So I rested and watered up before we zoomed off the mountain towards my house.

When I got home my legs started cramping up. Really cramping up. I took a hot shower and this helped. I drank fluids (I had dropped four full pounds from the start of the ride to the end) and I ate a banana for Potassium.

But an hour later one muscle in particular went into major painful cramp mode, and I found myself writhing on the couch trying to get it to "let go" and leave me alone. Mum offered me some of her Heat cream, the kind of cream you know to keep away from your face because it burns sensitive areas, but does a pretty effective job on sore muscles.

Still writhing, I accepted the cream and loaded up my hand and reached down my pants carefully (I just had the shower so was wearing indoor sweats with no underwear) (and you don't want that cream on your scrotum NO MATTER WHAT) and started rubbing it down the inside of my leg (the inside one of four quad muscles) hoping to get the cramping to stop.

Well, it stopped alright. But not before one final and extremely painful "GOTCHA" contraction which was so severe it made me contract and I accidentally wiped my hand right across my testicles and if you've ever had Capsicum on yer testicles you'd know that I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE CRAMP IN MY LEG.

The burning was so bad I ran into the bathroom and grabbed not one but THREE washclothes. The first one a dry wipe to get as much oil off as poosible. The second one hot water and soap. The third one cold water to try and settle down the FIRE that was raging on my nutsack.

This was the washcloth I returned to the living room with, my poor old Mum worried about her son's painful duress (Mum laughs a lot when she's worried, or at least that's the way she explained it later). I could do nothing for the pain but sing some Jerry Lee Lewis and lie on the couch kicking my legs in the air.

And then came the cold.

I suppose it was the Menthol in the ointment, and I suppose it didn't wipe off as readily as the Capsicum. For the next thirty minutes I endured an icy sensation in the nethers that was guaranteed to send a chill up your sex drive...

My nuts felt like they had been dipped in rubbing alcohol and then hung out the window of a speeding car in a snowstorm.

It was so bad the cramp in my leg (though much milder now) was completely inconsequential.

And then I went to bed.


fairyhedgehog said...

Mum laughs a lot when she's worried

When I read this, I had to express my concern for you in the same way as your mother.

I'm so glad I'm not a guy.

Cheesy said...

Most action you've had in awhile eh??

Jeannie said...

Poor baby. At least you didn't have a date lined up for the evening.

Hope your leg is better soon.

meno said...

Yes, i laugh when worried too. See?

dogbait said...

Great balls of fire!