Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Potpourri... Pot Per Ahh...Pot Per Ahh Hah Hah Hah Ahh Hah Hah Hah Potpourri...

Everybody seems to be compiling lists these days, and everybody else seems to find these lists fascinating.

Perhaps the detritus that piles inside our skulls has a secondary purpose besides simply driving us crazy and coloring our dreams?

So, to come hither and join the cyber-pack, accompanied by some recent photos I took with my new toy, here is a list of things you may or may not care to know about truly yours...

I have lost my big toenails at least seven times per foot.

I have stood on the edge of the Pacific, thrown a rock, and hit a Japanese guy in the head.

I have eaten baklava in a balaclava.

There was a time in my life, I could do well over fifty one-armed push ups, and up to ten one-armed pull ups.

I have never broken a bone in my 44 years.

Except for ear infections (damn them!) I have visited the doctor twice in 24 years. Before that, I never went.

My elbows do not open all the way and my knees do not fold up all the way.

My favorite sexual position involves a man and a woman and only two feet on the floor.

My favorite airport is in Hong Kong.

My favorite food of all time is Ebi sushi.

I once vomited eighty feet underwater.

I once fell almost twenty feet and landed on my ass, all because of a girl who was looking at my ass when she should have been doing something else.

Heights don't scare me, but I am afraid of bean bag chairs.

I cry everyday, whether I want to or not. I cried every commercial break the other night, watching Hallmark card commercials. Man, they just slay me. Kelly Clarkson on idol this week had me sobbing and blubbering.

I seem to find myself smack dab in between most major political issues. I'm either just "non-committal" and wishy-washy, or sane and rational, and I can't decide which.

I cannot eat boiled okra without wanting to gag.

I still feel like I haven't grown up yet.

I used to occupy my time waiting in airports by getting into everybody's good-bye group photos. I was always the tall guy in the back who didn't look like everybody else making the Vee sign.

I still haven't jumped out of an airplane but I know I eventually will.

I have an extremely high tolerance for pain.

I am allergic to cigarette smoke. It makes my nose run and my eyes water, and puts me off food. It gives my sister asthma attacks.

I have killed one bird and one snake- both, sort of by accident, and one squirrel, definitely on purpose, with a gun. I have killed two baby deer, a squirrel, and a kangaroo with a vehicle, definitely not on purpose.

I have taken acid two times, and enjoyed both times. The first time was when the Rainbow Warrior was blown up in Auckland, New Zealand. I heard the blast and said "What The Fuck Was That?" That's about all I remember, except for what I later read. The second time was on a California beach during a full moon.

I have met Owsley, the man who made the blue dot famous in the late sixties.

I used to work for famous people, who trusted me to be discreet. I won't tell you who they were but you have heard of all of them.

I once walked into a brothel in Sydney by accident, and then hung out and played a game of backgammon with one of the girls.

My brother is the only person to have ever hit me hard enough to count. He gave me a black eye, and I tried raw steak on it.

I started reading when I was three. My first month of kindergarten, I had to read "Green Eggs And Ham" to my class to inspire the other kids. I lost my place on one of the pages and just made up stuff. Only the teacher knew.

The only time I was ever in trouble with the law was when I went joy-riding at 14 in a stolen El Camino. I didn't steal it, I just went for a ride in it. The trouble was, the guy driving crashed it while I was in it and his sister told on us. She later became my hair dresser, and the cops thanked me at the station for being so honest.

Oh yeah, A cop in Queensland looked up my anus once and didn't find anything.

My eyes are perfectly equal. I have no dominant eye which gives me really good eye/hand and depth perception. I am, however, and have always been, slightly nearsighted.

My siblings and I are all about 15% Indian. The rest is Scots-Irish and English and I am the lucky one of the three when it comes to tanning and natural sunburn protection.

I was a jaundiced baby and had to stay in the hospital for three weeks. It is now thought that I was allergic to the chemicals used to clean the cribs in the hospitals.

I grind my teeth at night.

I qualify as an introvert, and need lots of quiet time. My favorite past time is reading anything and everything.

I fall asleep in cars within a short time if I am not driving, and if I am driving, I get into a dream state and can drive for a long time.

I can identify most common lumbers simply by smell.

I am better than anybody I have ever met at running down steep and rocky hills. I used to practice this as a kid and imagined that there was a world competition for this.

I see relatively clearly to almost 180 degrees, meaning, I have good peripheral vision.

I believe in religion but I have never found a religion I believe in.

Every time I go into a big 5 sporting goods store I question my existence. It has to do with athletics, but I have no idea what or why. Big 5 is where I have my existential moments and buy all my sports shoes on their sales table.

I am a miraculously sound sleeper. There are indeed sleep stories out there, that I slept through.

Kids under ten dig the crap out of me.

I think snakes are awesome.

I am seldom wrong about my feelings towards people. So much so, that I trust myself to actually make that judgement. Which is odd, because I find the idea of that irrational.

I am groggy mentally until almost 10 am but am sharp as a tack between noon and six.

I lost my temper once and pushed a girl. Normally, I restrain myself when dealing with others, but in this instance, I let it rip. She slid a lot further on her belly across a linoleum kitchen than I had ever imagined. The far wall stopped her and I was confounded by two things. How she had managed to hit that button, and just how scary that button was. She forgave me way before I ever did.

I've never liked my mother's second husband but have always been civil to him. I am facing the prospect of caring for him and I don't think I have it in me.

I was once shocked with 240 volts through one hand and out the other. The current went through my heart and I moaned uncontrollably. I fell off the current and went back to work after fifteen minutes of cussing under my breath.

In my 20's, I was frequently stalked - by gay men.

I wish I could sing and I wish I could draw like an artist.

I do really well on IQ tests but really badly on memory test, though I remember my own life with way too much detail.

I instinctively know what to say to hurt someone's feelings. I've tried to not use this against people. My brain just compiles bits and pieces and makes people's weaknesses obvious.

I used to dream I was going potty and then wet my bed. It was always the same. A vivid dream. A realization. I stopped when I was about ten. I hated sleeping with plastic on the mattress. It was crinkly.

Crazy people think I am really cool. I used to attract them and get hammered by their craziness. I've learned to shut them off before they get started. It took me awhile to understand that I gained nothing by being suckered in.

I can't stop punning, even if I wanted to. Nowadays, I just keep them to myself.

I wipe from the front, through the legs. I have short arms and it just seemes easier. Some guys call this a girly-wipe. I beg to differ.

I have a slight southern accent though I have never lived in the South. I've visited, but never lived there. I think I'm just a bit lazy and it seems easier.

I dig trees up out of drainage ditches and bring them home and put them in buckets. I give these away as my mood and circumstances allow. I'm a bit of a Johnnie Appleseed in that way. I love seeing trees I've rescued growing crazy somewhere.

I'm dirtier than most people. I have trouble staying clean even at the best of times.

I tend to listen to one album or one artist over and over. I don't tire of what I like. I just like it more because I know it better. Same goes for dishes on menus.

I have a really good wine palette. Coincidence and serendipity played major roles in developing this. I really prefer beer.

People who are naturally antsy feel calm when I am around. I have a calming influence on nervous people. I am probably too calm for the real world, at times...

My hammer at work is almost twice as big as everybody else's.

The older I get, the happier I've become. I'm starting to actually get the cosmic joke, I think. I figure I will be able to explain it pretty good, just about the time I croak.

While talking to a famous winemaker, I spontaneously combusted. He said to me - "Are you on fire?" I said "Shit! I am!"

My hair is turning grey at an alarming rate, and I've heard rumors about follicles abandoning ship, though I won't look.

The only girl I have ever been insanely in love with thought I was insane.

My two dogs adore me.

My center of gravity is too off center to do a cartwheel. My CG is at least 6 inches higher than my middle.

I'm like a bear in that I lumber around and seem lethargic and clumsy until I am asked by circumstance to act. In those moments, I am amazingly graceful and athletic, even with beer swirling around in my belly. I scare people in those moments.

I like to do naked carpentry.

I have a green thumb.

I have never been too proud to not dig a trench, and I'm still not. I'd rather work in a ditch with a couple of honest and hard working Mexicans than work in an office with a couple of girly-men, even if they are wealthy and know Bill Gates personally.

I usually leave a party knowing I said one of the wittiest remarks of the evening, and people usually remind me of what I said, days later.

I am fatally attracted to attractive, crazy women.

I once had a 140 mph tennis serve.

I once tried to teach myself the piano as a kid, and the only song I could play (and can still play) is the theme from M*A*S*H.

I have never met a jar I couldn't open with my bare hands.

My body temperature is .2 degrees higher than average. My normal is 98.8.

I am one of the few men I know who admit that the sexiest part of a woman is truly the vagina. I mean... come on guys, let's get real...

I pee outdoors more than I pee in a toilet.

My favorite book of all time is Joyce Carey's "The Horse's Mouth".

My favorite movie is "Harold and Maude". Second is "The Big Labowski".

I don't smoke pot because it puts me to sleep within five minutes.

I have trouble being nice to ideologues and nutjobberdoodooheads from all political angles. I should have been a Libra the way I try and balance out views from all sides.

I give bums money only if they can make me laugh. Sometimes, I'll make them try four or five different days before they get me.

My father thinks that I don't like him but the truth is that I love him dearly. I just can't agree with him on lots of stuff, which is entirely different.

I love bananas.

The only vehicle I ever want to own is a small Japanese 4wd like my Nissan that I have now or perhaps a Toyota. I barely fit inside, but I don't care. Nothing else works like they do.

I don't believe in life after death.

I can't believe anybody finds this interesting...


kario said...

LOVED THIS! But I do want to know whether the naked carpentry has anything to do with losing toenails. Can't believe you haven't ever broken a bone! Not even a cracked rib?

BTW, I fixed your link on my site -so sorry you had to resort to poking your screen. What a waste of a Q-tip!

Jeannie said...

Damn - posted a comment and it didn't work.

I am amazed - we would probably work together quite well except we wouldn't speak to eachother before 11 am.

And I want to be there to jump out of a plane too.

eerie kinda

Stucco said...

I dunno that a "front wiper" gets to call office geeks "girly men". I'd suggest that a capable IT guy ("IT guy" is to "office geek" as "sanitation engineer" is to "trashman") is really a mix of about 20% geek, 40% psychotherapist, and 40% 911 phone operator. Battle hardened, but not in easily observed ways. You should ask Schmoopie about the day my daughter inadvertantly poured her Beta fish into the garbage disposal...

Cheesy said...

"I like to do naked carpentry"

Scott~~ I have this project...

LOL loved this post hun... Was an interesting read!

I am sure I have broken enough bones to fill both our quotas..
You made me spit coffee at the rock tossing info!
Why no pictures of your fav 2 footed position..hum?[ps, glad it involved a woman also lol]
btw,, If the gurlie was looking at a good ass she WAS doing what she should have been doing!
Bean bags? I know what to dress as before I ring your doorbell next Halloween!
Need a push out of that plane?
Curious.. the chain pic.. what is that? Mom pic... is she about to smack you?

"I am fatally attracted to attractive, crazy women." Well I have half a chance lmao ~ I'm crazy! And I adore my Nissan too!

That was fun!

Rinda said...

Long damned list! But so intriguing... believe in relgion but no specific one. Like me, you don't believe in life after death--do you find you're amazed by how many do?

We share a lot in common actually but I have to say I've never done naked carpentry.

Very nice pics, btw.

it's the little things... said...

I think I'll join the list of women in love here. ;)

Scott from Oregon said...

Hey Stucco! Guys who can kick the behinds of girlie men GET to admit that they are front wipers, how about that? I mean, can you imagine one of the girly men in your office admitting that? I am a front wiper and I'm proud of it.

Kario, Heavy sheets of something or another dropping on my toes is to blame. I hate wearing heavy work boots so my high top tennies take the hits and my big toes suffer. I also discovered naked carpentry is safer in the cold, more more pleasant when its warm.

jeannie- glad you aren't a chipper morning person-- I really resent those people.

Cheesy-- glad you are feeling better. That chain is a target for frisbee golf down the road at the local park where I sometimes take my dogs for a hike around the lake. Mum wasn't mad at me for taking this photo, but she'll be mad at me for displaying it. Mum was always a bit on the vain side, in a dignified sort of way.

Hi Rinda! It doesn't surprise me at all that people believe in life after death. I figure, if we're going to rationalize stuff to make ourselves feel better, might as well take on the biggest fears we have.

it's the little things- was it the naked carpentry?

Maggie said...

love the list. really long. but full of great tiddly bits.

Um - the sponaneous combustion - will you be telling us more?

Sabra said...

“I like to do naked carpentry.” I knew it was you that I had heard this from before and that’s exactly why I sent you the story of the “Man in Unfortunate Saw-Mill Accident.” If you’re going to be doing naked carpentry, you need to be careful.

“I can't believe anybody finds this interesting...” And I can’t believe I read the whole thing. That was truly TMI. Thanks for sharing…

it's the little things... said...

No, Scott. The potential for unfortunate accidents involved in naked carpentry could seriously damage an irreplaceable part of a man. That's a risk I wouldn't be willing to take.

But now you've really made me laugh. Because I'm sitting here and picturing nailing. And hammering. And sawing. And all those crazy tools found in a carpenter's workshop.

Scott from Oregon said...

maggie-- I will tell you more about my spontaneously combusted past oneday. Yes, I will.

Hi Sabra. I remember you sending me that. I hope you got my appreciative thank you email I think I hope I recall sending...

It's the little things- Women like to imagine naked men doing scary things with sharp tools-- I've noticed that. Care to explain why you think that is?

Cheesy said...

LOL ty ty I knew I had seen that before! Was driving me nuts!

Sabra said...

Yes, Scott, I did get your thank you... Thank you for thanking me. I just wanted for you to know, again, because I care about your health and welfare that you need to be very, very careful working with sharp tools – and especially, I guess, power tools – in certain professions, you know, like carpentry.

During my many, many years in the legal profession, I can honestly say that never once – not one single solitary time in my entire career – did it occur to me that, "Gee, I like doing this naked. From now on every time I go to Court I think I’ll just do it in the nude." Although I will admit there was, on more than one occasion, a situation when I felt, given a reaction I got for something or other, that I may as well be naked - but it was not a "comfortable" naked - it was more like how the “Emperor” must have felt when he realized he had no clothes on.

I couldn’t help myself – did a Google search – for “naked carpenter,” and again for “naked carpentry.” You didn’t come up on either one, but the results for the second search, if you’re interested, are here. [Umm, perhaps, someone has a little too much time on her hands, ya’ think? Going to go write about “pick up joints” for a post at Stilettos in the Sand.]

LadyBronco said...

Wow...what a great post to read on my first trip to your blog.

I'll be back.

Anonymous said...

Front wiper. Righty-o then, I'll file that away in case you ever get sick in Australia and I wind up being your nurse.

You cry everyday. Everyday? Like every. single. day.?? Me too. Personally, I think it takes a real man to admit that he cries at all.

Naked carpentry. Uh-huh. If I ever wind up being your nurse because of some accident related to naked carpentry... I will laugh at you. A lot.

You find me attractive. You've told me so. I just wanted to let you know, I'm not crazy - much.

The M*A*S*H* theme on the piano. Very cool.

Opening jars with bare hands. Why do you have to live so far away??

The sexiest part of a woman is NOT her vagina. It's her brain.

You went back to work after 240 volts coarsed through your body, via your heart? IDIOT.

You accidentally walked into a brothel in Sydney? How the hell does that happen??

Okay, I'm gonna stop now or my comment will be longer than your post.

d-man said...

I once killed a guy called Kenny in Kilkenny.

Great post.

Maggie said...

Yeah! I think I hear a post a comin'!

amusing said...

Remarkable. I'm impressed you came up with such a long list of truly quirky things. I probably could, but think I would need help. Or wine. Or beer.

(Pssst. Don't know if you've noticed, but there appears to be a fan club here. If you are craving dating, sex, or naked breasts, you might have the opportunity. Maybe start by offering naked carpentry classes...)

Scott from Oregon said...

Hi Lady Bronco! I was born in Aurora, so you and me... well, I bet we go way back...

Little Miss Kylie- No, the brain is the part that interferes with the getting to the vagina part...

It is seen more as "The Great Obstacle" and has had its place in literature for ages... Men speak of a women's brain in hushed tones for fear of never getting to the promised land ever again.

Amusing-- So far, Stucco is the only apparent viable option... Did you know he was outed?

Sweeti said...

Oh see now this was most enjoyable to me. A few things were WTMI but fun nonetheless.
I'm not good with any kind of alcohol so I watch myself so I don't get the spins, It doesn't matter which spirit but mostly beer. As far as I can remember that was the last thing I got sick from.
The position comment was priceless and I can't believe someone hasn't snatched you up. What really wrong with you? Kidding...

CS said...

This is basically the 100 random things about me meme. Well, I didn't count, but it seemed like about 100 things. And, it's actually the kind of thing I find most interesting to read - revealing. Not in a bad or good way, just in an intriguing way.

Anonymous said...

This was worth scrolling through. Believe it or not.

skinnylittleblonde said...

Hahaha...I Loved It! Believe it! The more I learn about others, the more I learn about myself;)

Personally, I love the smell of wood & I think nude carpentry is a great idea! I also think that painting, drywalling & changing lightbulbs in the buff is a good thing. LOL.
On another note, I just gave my boss 2 beautiful baby oak trees(about 4' tall now) that were rescued from my front yard from acorns fallen from our oaks. We have about 50 buckets of life outback & usually end up giving about 15-20 trees/plants a year away. :)

Scott from Oregon said...

skinny-- We've got so many oaks around here people don't want them around. I get a lot of Western Red Cedars and some Port Orford Cedars and plum trees and my favorite is a curly willow I keep making starts out of.

sexy said...