Saturday, May 30, 2009

Mirrors And Taints And Duct Taping Your Jewels...

After getting my chubby butt up to the top of the mountain on my bicycle last week, I thought I'd seal the deal by doing it a couple of times. Sort of remove the flooky status possibility right away by repeating my achievement several days in a row.

And I did. I sat on my hard little bicycle seat and pedaled up that long and painful road to the top, turned around and came home... and repeated that three days more than the original day, making four days of sitting on that hard little bicycle seat with sweat dripping down my body and collecting in the folds of my shorts...

I went in to the bicycle shop in Grants Pass the other day and I overheard a lanky, very fit but not very bright guy tell the man behind the counter- "I rode so much yesterday (in the heat) that I couldn't drink enough water to make me stop peeing yellow. It was yellow like hot dog mustard..." he said loudly.

"Only not as thick." I mumbled under my breath behind him.

The guy turned and looked at me.

"Ever have to put duct tape on your taint?" I asked him bluntly.

"Huh?"

"Ever get a blister on your taint and have to put a strip of duct tape on it so you can do another ride?"

The guy behind the counter piped in. "I thought a taint was only on a woman? I've only heard of women having taints."

"Guys can have taints." I said.

"The biker guy wasn't sure. I think he missed out on the whole "taint" thing in high school. In fact, I think he missed out on high school altogether. "What's a taint?" he asked.

I looked at the guy behind the counter, hoping he'd spare me.

"That's the part of a woman's uh... body... uh... right between the uh... vagina and the bungholio (I swear he said bungholio! He was, after all, a bicycle shop employee).

The biker dude seemed not to quite catch on. He looked at me for clarification but I wouldn't bite. The counter guy was just pausing for effect. He knew how to hold back a punchline like most guys who work in perennial childhood occupations. "They call it a "taint"," he said slowly for affect, "because its the nasty part that taint the asshole and taint the pussy!!

The biker dude didn't really get it. Then he did. Then he started repeating it like it was actually funny. "Taint the asshole and taint the pussy! Taint the asshole and taint the pussy!"

Oh lordy. I was gonna tell them while I stood there that I had duct taped my taint the day before so that I could go on a ride and climb up into these second growth forests for a fourth time to prove that three times wasn't flooky... but... well... you know...

Some conversations with strangers are better cut short.

But you guys may as well hear the funny part. The only duct tape I had (I use duct tape for any and all blister situations. If I feel a blister coming on, I slap duct tape on the spot and let IT rub instead of my tenderizing skin) was a new roll I just bought called Gorilla Tape. The packaging claimed it was "the strongest bonding duct tape on the planet". On the dark side of the scrotum... where there is hair growing... and scrotum skin... and a scrotum blister already formed...

I didn't tell the bike dude or the guy behind the counter I was still wearing the duct tape...

And I certainly didn't bring up the hand held mirror I had to borrow from me Mum...

And that duct tape?

I'm still afraid to pull it off.

14 comments:

Erma said...

Yowsa! Taint got nuthin' to say after that!. :-)

fairyhedgehog said...

Ouch! Just ouch! That's all I can think of to say.

dogbait said...

I reckon I'll know exactly when it comes off even from here!

Schmoopie said...

Hmm...I thought duct tape was just for warts.

Wow! I learn something new every day! ;)

Here's hoping you don't cry too much when you have to pull it off. If I were you, I'd leave it alone until it falls off by itself.

Cheesy said...

Some people pay a bundle for the free wax job you're gonna get!

Mushy said...

Beautiful flower...what is it?

I'll keep that taint tip in mind...far back mind ya!

Jean said...

Now I don't need to look for 'taint' in the dictionary. Tanks.

Wouldn't a padded bicycle seat be much easier??

Nikky said...

wow. owwww. don't pull it off. Let it wither away and eventually the sticky will fade... soak in water maybe?

and for the love of pete, get a padded bike seat!!

Scott from Oregon said...

Mushy-- those are local wild irises.

I think these are rare in that they are yellow, as the common wild iris around here is purple with yellow streaks in the middle.

FYI- Tape is gone ala a hot bath and body oil...

Sweeti said...

Lol,I would have never thought to put duck tape in that area...Ever!
It's true men do think duck tape fixes everything...and I thought that was just a joke. I guess it's good that it wasn't a constructive use for bailing wire or twine instead which supposedly also fixes everything.
For me, my fix all would have to be WD-40, Which for the next instance of duck tape on the taint, will dissolve the adhesive properties. just some FYI :)

writtenwyrdd said...

All I can say is 1) nail polish remover, or 2) Goo Gone. Best of luck!

Stucco said...

Yowza! Acetone on the taint? No thank you! If you decide to remove it, remember- like a band-aid. Tear it off quickly. Maybe you could rig a string or strip of tape to a door or something- like with a tooth that needs pulling? Then again, I'd have to enter a room to THAT kind of scene. You may also be facing another problem.

Sweeti said...

OMG, Stucco that link was way too funny.

Shrinky said...

Methinks you are a closet massochist..