Blinded By Turds

Every now and then, someone will tell me they’ve detected a love of language in me and a pretty good ability to remember the lyrics of songs, or even a decent ability to change the lyrics in them, to suit the occasion.

“Thank You,” is what I tell them, thinking “there must be something clever I can say…?”

I was thinking today where the love of lyrics comes from in my storied past- since I can't sing- and I came to the conclusion it was from a set of records my father brought back from some mysterious place in the sixties and perhaps early seventies.

There was a “Folk” singer named Oscar Brand who put out a stack of records, and I put the word “Folk” in quotes because from the memories of my childhood, he actually sang “Dirty” songs.

I just googled him and was amazed to find out he was from Canada (I thought he was English) He had a “Folk” sound, but his early lyrics would make a nun blush. As a child, sneaking a listen to these records was akin to sneaking a peek at the stack of PLAYBOY’S hidden (obviously!) in the wooden packing box in the garage.

I equate, to this day, Oscar Brand to Hugh Hefner, in a strange and sordid way.

Both were glimpses into an adult world I felt I needed to be sneaky to see.

I don’t have to google anything to name some of my favorite Oscar Brand Bawdy songs.

“Blinded By Turds”.

“Bloody Big Dingle Dangle.”

“Drinks All Around.”

“Seven Old Ladies, Locked In The Lavatory.”

Nor do I have to google to produce the lyrics…

“The duchess was a’ dressing
Dressing for the ball,
But then she saw the student,
Making water on the wall…

With his bloody big dingle dangle,
Swinging proud and free…

And never would he stop till it was over…”


OR THIS ONE--

"There was a young man, who lived on E street,
Whose passage was blocked up, by too much to eat…

He took stomach pills, without reading the box,
Before he could strip, turds were flying like rocks… "

OR THIS ONE

"The first was a lady named Elizabeth Humphry
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out, she could not get her bum free,
And nobody knew she was there…

Oh dear, what can the matter be? Seven old ladies,
Locked in the lavatory, they were there,
From Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there… "

I not only would sneak listens to my father’s salacious records, but I would MEMORIZE everything on them.

“First he did the duchess, then the maidens too…
Next he did the butler, what a dirty thing to do…
With his bloody big dingle dangle, swinging proud and free,
And never would he stop, till it was over… "

I sang “Seven Old Ladies, Locked In The Lavatory” accompanied by a pair of bongos to my fifth grade class once. Nobody noticed that I couldn’t sing.

Nobody noticed that I couldn’t play the bongos either.

They did notice, however, that I sang a song about women with their panties down, some POOING, and I was a short-lived one hit wonder.

“Drinks All Around” was a song that never said anything dirty, because it replaced the dirty word with the next verse. I still know all the words, and can sing them at your wedding or funeral, if you’d like, with or without bongos…

“Fishing is the thing for me, fishing with a spool,
If I don’t catch ‘em with my line, I’ll catch ‘em with my…
Dainty little finger, so slender and so slim,
why I can fit all five of them, inside my girlfriend’s…
Pockets are so useful, when fumbling down the halls,
And if you’ve got some holes in them, You can fumble with your…
Money, if you’ve got some, if not find some more,
And why not spend the rest of it, on some very lovely…
Turkish Bath and manicure, to make you feel so smart,
(bear in mind, in the social world, it’s rude to let a …)
Swear word pass your lips, or walk in public humming…”

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH…

Drinks All Around!



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Brand