Two Interviews On A Sunday

I try to avoid memes because, frankly, I don't wanna be like everybody else. I've always been that way, except once when I learned all the moves to "Staying Alive" to impress a girl back in junior high. But I'm a sucker for these interview memes. What sucks me in is wondering what questions I'll get asked. I don't really want to answer them, I just want to know what I would be answering and what another would think to ask me.

It is that age old question "How do others see me?" that drives this curiosity and so I ask. I have two interviews here, that I will answer with coffee on a hot, lazy Sunday morning. The first is by Just Me from Ramblings From The Outside Of Nowhere. I like her questions because they tell me I am great. I think we all want to be great at some point, don't we? So on this Sunday morning, I sit here drinking coffee and feeling great. Here are your answers to your great questions...

Scott, here is your mission, should you choose to accept it. You must answer the next 5 questions truthfully, and in detail to the best of your ability. This email will never self-destruct. Take your time.
1.) Your recent blog entries, which read like chapters in a novel, Out of the Slammer and into the Fire, have kept me and countless readers on the edge of our seats. Would you consider publishing this as novel? Give your reasons as to why or why not, in detail.
2.) You always refer to your mother as Mum, which is typically associated with the British version of the word, mom. Are you originally from England? If so, describe your transition to the states, and if not, why the word mum?
3.) You possess a wonderful sense of humor. Many times you have made us laugh. Please pick two of your funniest posts, provide links, and tell us why you consider them to be funny.
4.) It goes without saying that your talents as a story writer are absolutely amazing. Name three of what you consider to be your best posts, give links to each, and tell us in detail why you chose these, and what meaning they have to you personally.
5.) Should you be trapped on a cross-country bus ride, for whatever reason, who would you want in the seat next to you, it can be anyone, and why? In detail, please?

1) This story is a recounting of actual events that transpired about 11 or 12 years ago. One major character committed suicide maybe two years ago. As far as I know, everybody else is still out there kicking and trying. I changed the names a bit, but there is no mistaking these people by the story and by their descriptions.

So no. No plans to make this more than a recounting of events on a blog. It isn't fiction and people deserve their privacy. Maybe in another twenty years, I’ll think differently.

2) I actually call my Mum “Momma”, but lord knows, I can’t bring myself- at 44 years of age- to write “Momma” all over the place. I’ve had a lot of English friends and passed through London a few times en route, plus a bunch of years between Oz and New Zealand, where Mum is used quite a bit, so in my head Mum works just fine.

(I also love the word “knackered” as well as the expression “Bob’s your uncle!”)

So the answer is, Mum is less embarrassing to write publicly than “Momma”.

3) Funniest post? That is hard. Some things don't read as funny as they were, and some things do. The day I hit my pops in the nuts with a tennis ball was one of the funniest moments of my life, but I didn't laugh and fall over. So here are two off the top of my head where I did actually laugh and fall over when they happened--

Jonnie D. and The Over-inflated Tahiti. I still laugh when I picture that poor woman trying so hard to ingratiate herself back into our circle of friends and the manner in which her efforts were displayed.

Waging Poopy Tales, The Law Of The Anus, And Singing The Blue Box Blues

I like this one because it dips below the boundaries of good taste.

4) Wow. You’re letting me off easy, aren’t you? (Not only that, but you’ve managed to appeal to my vanity, as well. Let off the hook and stroked across the ego… I feel like a furry fish, here.)

Umm.. Favorite posts… Hmmm…

Take 'N' Bake Pizza, Margaret, Margaritas, And Laying Down The Pepperoni- Remembering someone who has passed can be life affirming and healing.


Makoto, Nanpa - ing And Surfer's Paradise - I can still hear Makoto uttering those immortal words "I have a rittle dick!" in my head and it makes me happy to be alive...


Smokin' Car Parts, Topspin, And My Father's Nuts-- Sometimes, the universe really wants you to learn how to curve a tennis ball into your father's nuts so you can be released from the bondage that is paternal pride and egoism...


Biggest Croc I Ever Saw - One day I was driving around the suburbs in a little Volkswagen Sirocco chasing girls, and then I wasn't. Suddenly, I was crocodile bait in the middle of nowhere with two silly people that made me laugh and enjoy life and wade in croc infested waters...

5) On a bus with anybody? For a long time? Hmmm…

Two people come to mind. The first one is the French guy on this You Tube video.Man, we could burn a lot of hours just making music with our mouths. I can't sing but I can hum and I can whistle, and I know an awful lot of tunes that are stuck inside my skull like bees in an upside down mayonnaise jar. The two of us could kill 20 hours in a moment's time.

I would really enjoy arguing politics with GW Bush, as well. I'd ask him why he changed his mind about global warming, I'd ask him why he thought it better that innocent Iraqis died as a result of terrorism than innocent Americans. I'd have a list and I'd spend the hours trying to understand what type of man he is underneath all the silly sound bites and rhetoric. I figure, it would at least kill the time effectively...

Tammie Jean at Long Drives To Nowhere sent me this set of five questions and here are my incredible answers...

#1) At your mother’s urging, you are auditioning for American Idol, Season 7. What song will you sing? What are the judges reactions?
#2) If you had succeeded in taking the modeling world by storm back in Japan , what would you have done with your fame and fortune? Where would you be today?
#3) Do you have any plans for your writing beyond the blogosphere?
#4) It seems both you and your father possessed PDL. Do you rely on it to get you out of situations? Does it make you an optimistic person?
#5) You cannot resist the urge, and you drop a quarter into the automated fortune teller. What would you like for that little piece of paper to say when it comes out of the machine? (It can even be a big piece of paper).

1) Mum once said to me. "Scott before I die, there is just one thing I'd like to teach you."

"What's that Momma?"

"To carry a tune."

So the idea of her urging me to audition for American Idol makes me think I DID SOMETHING WRONG. But, if I COULD sing, and she urged me to go, I would sing Joe Cocker - "Give me the beat boys, to free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock 'n roll and drift away..." and I'd wanna have that much gravel and soul and gurgle in my voice. Paula would be all over my bad self and I'd be her new favorite, if, that is, I could actually sing... ***sigh***

2)If I had succeeded in taking the Tokyo modeling world by storm? Hmmm. I actually hated that world and most of the people in it. We'd go down to the discos for free food and all the models would be S&M ing (standing and modeling) around the bar, striking poses and looking entirely way too silly. I've always gravitated toward the trenches where the real people were, so I have trouble even imaginining "making it" in that whole business. But if I did, I would have bought a villa on an island with a swimming pool so close to the beach I'd have to vacuum crabs out of the bottom of it and put them in my salad.

3) Hmmm. No. No plans. I write because it is a good brain exercise. My work is really noisy and physical, so it is a nice balance. The dream of "being a writer" is held by so many people that the pyramid is always toppling over. I have no desire to be crushed by any of that heaviness, and write simply for the pleasure of writing.

4) PDL... Hmmm. No, I rely on me to get out of situations, or I rely on me not to get into situations. PDL (Pure Dumb Luck) sure helps, but you have to help it along.

PDL actually works the opposite, most times, for me. It helps me get INTO situations. It gets me jobs, it introduces me to people, and it starts the ball rolling down one road or another. I've always been optimistic, which is an attractant, which sucks in people and events which enhances PDL. I think PDL had a bigger effect on Pops' life because in many ways, it saved his.

5) I would love it if it said "Thanks for the quarter."

Happy Sunday, y'all...