Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Sickness I Miss Being Sick

I've been away from work for a week and a half. I haven't missed the work, all that much. It's nice to do other things with time-- different things, things that take a quiet mind and very little physicality-- and so I have.

Not being a computer person, I fiddled with my new computer.

I did some sewing (putting crotches back in work pants, mostly).

I sorted screws and nails out in my shop.

I ran a new phone line and tinkered with some broken tools.

After about ten days, I start to miss the silly talk. I start to miss MY silly talk. I start to miss the banter that goes between the boys--

"It slipped off and I jammed my screwdriver in my eye."
Me- "You jammed a screwdriver in your eye?"
"Yep. Only it didn't puncture the eyeball."
Me- "Well, that's good."
"Not really. It sort of pushed the eyeball out of the way and punctured the membrane in the back of the eye."
Me- "Oh no! What'd the doctor say?"
"Don't know. Didn't go to the doctor."
Me- "You didn't go to the doctor?"
Me- "What did you do?"
"Took the rest of the day off. Went home."
Me- "And you were fine?"
"I thought so."
Me- "You thought so?"
"Until I blew my nose in the bathroom the next morning."
Me- "Huh?"
"I blew my nose too hard and it blew my eye out of the socket. It was just hanging there in my hand."
Me-"Oh my God. What did the doctors do?"
Me- "Nuthin'?"
"I didn't go to the doctors."
Me- "You're kidding!"
"Nope. I just put the eye back in. It made a funny squishy sound going back in... Sploishshsh. Like that."
Me- OMG!

Me- (After plugging a nostril with a finger and blowing snotty dust balls out of the other nostril into the sawdust on the floor.) "That's what I love about this job.~"
Me- "How many people get to do that at work?"
Me- "I mean, can you imagine a dentist taking the drill out of your mouth and then blowing a snot rocket right into the spitting sink?"
"Not good."
Me- "No. Of course it's not good. Or a cop. Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?Phtphtt!! Now will you just please sign here. Phtphtt!!"
"Baseballs players do that all the time."
Me- "I know! That's why if I weren't a carpenter, I'd be a baseball player. Imagine a basketball player doing that while standing at the foul line. Dribble dribble. Phphtt!! Dribble dribble."
"What about a conductor?"
Me- "On a train?"
"No, leading an orchestra. Dun dun dun dunnnnn dunnn! Phttphtt!"
Me- "I'm thinking that wouldn't go over well with the tuba player."
"The tuba guy?"
Me- "Yeah. All that polished brass."

Me- "Hey Wizard, I saw you standing at the deli counter at the store last night."
"You did?"
Me- " I did. You were mesmerizing on some sandwich meat."
Me- "Yeah. You were just standing there and staring. I couldn't tell, but I think you were drooling."
"I was not."
Me- "You could have been. That's why I stayed away."
"I wasn't drooling."
Me- "But you were lookin' like you were."

( I did my best, stare-and-drool look and Wizard shook his head.)
"No way."
Me- "You stop by Doc's and play shoes again?"
"Yeah, a little."
Me- "Smoked a little hoochie too. That's why you were staring."
"I wasn't staring."
Me- "For five minutes, man. That's why I stayed away from you."
"I wasn't staring."
Me- "FIVE minutes. Just staring at the sliced roast beef and drooling."
"I wasn't drooling!"
Me- "There was no way I was gonna let you tell me a joke in that condition."
"I wasn't drooling!"
Me- "You tell your jokes way too slow as it is."

Me- "Anybody watch American Idol Last night?"
Chorus- "NO!"
Me--"You guys suck!"


Hammer said...

The eyball thing, I hear it happens to racketball players and to people who lose their contact lense behind their eye.

The snot thing is called a farmer blow. Don't read too much into that.

Esereth said...

Crotches. Crotches into work pants.


kario said...

What a bunch of pussies you guys are! If you can pop your eyeball back in by yourself, what do you need fabric in the crotch of your work pants for?

Cheesy said...

LOL ***golf clap****

[offerin up my wipe that booger]

it's the little things... said...

Wow, I don't check in here for a few days and tomes have been written!
Sorry you're home and missing the interaction! You still have us.

amusing said...

crotchless pants.
eyeballs popping out of sockets.

Yup. Guy conversation.

Scott from Oregon said...

Hammer- My pops lost a retina temporarily playing racketball. They had to reattach it.

Esereth-- OK. So when working.... sometimes the croth rips out of perfectly good work pants. A few wiggly runs through thr sewing maching and I can wear then to wear out again...

kario-- to keep sawwdust off the scrotum, of course.

It's the Little Things-- Awww. I got you? Being only "kinda" sick means energy to doodle on the computer. You should see the banners I've made...

Cheesy-- Just WHAT is a golf clap. It sounds so... uh... sarcastic.

Amusing-- These conversations get more humorous when we discover the client (a woman) has quietly entered the job and is listening in.

amusing said...

well, yeah, see, because some women would love the chance to
a) hear what guys really talk about
b) get in on a guy conversation without being considered "the girl"

Jeannie said...

The eyeball and snot business is just sick and disgusting.

But damn good conversation.

Maggie said...

I'm just wondering who gets to clean up all the snotty sawdust?

Who puts their own eyeball back in its socket and DOESN'T check with a doctor? This is insane!

Anonymous said...

I can see why you'd miss going to work...

Cyndy said...

Hah, Maggie; in my experience, that would be the woman who owns the can check out the tradesman's lunch box contents, too from the refuse he leaves behind.....