The Dark Hallway And A Light Being Turned On--

Four Malaysian youths backed me into an alley once and one of them shoved a knife into the waistline of my pants. The knife hung up in the tough fabric of my jeans and I got a hold of the arm that held the knife. I grabbed it with my other hand like I was grabbing small branches for a campfire and snapped the young man's arm above the wrist. It made that same snapping sound wood makes only more muffled, and the young man screamed.

That moment in that tropical day marked the moment in my life when I woke up to many facts that had not truly occured to me before. I was a bit over twenty, I think, and my naivety nearly cost me a few feet of intestines.

I realized in that moment that people could lie to me for nefarious reasons and I could go along with it, as gullible as a child.

I learned that I was not awake. That I had my spidey sense turned off. That I needed to be more awake and to really SEE a situation for what it was, and not what I wanted it to be.

That moment of my past I felt real fear for my life for the very first time.

When looking backwards upon a life, certain themes appear like metaphorical stepping stones that pair up with other thematically similar stones, and your walk back to your youth follows the memory steps painted with these commonalities. In this case- for me- my naivety and the first time I was jolted into understanding a thing for what it was, brings back vivid memories of naivety cornering me and teaching me something usually ugly.

The first time a gay man had me in a dark, 5x5 room and put his hand on my erection was one of those moments. Sort of a HELLO YOU IDIOT!! moment, and the lesson set hard and fast in my young and forming mind.

Your first thought is not always the right thought, and people are not like you.

That's some of what I learned.

You can't always stop an erection.

I sort of knew that one.

Beware the nice-looking, well-groomed, middle-aged man in the Cardigan sweater.

Who knew?

Rolf and I were sixteen and working our construction job and getting out in the world some, trying new things and having new experiences. Rolf, at this age, had come to some realizations about his "endowment", and for this reason seemed to have sex on the mind far more than I did. He had a job, a truck, a big penis, and he was ready to conquer the world in a fashion that only Rolf could. Rolf was one of those "brave when I was around" kind of guys, and he was always trying to get me to go DO certain things with him, many of which, quite frankly, I was too timid to even think about doing had he not led me there and got me involved.

THE ADULT BOOK STORE. Remember how they were in almost every town, out along the freeway and away from schools and churches? We had one. It was a big one with no other name. It was called The Adult Bookstore. It had a huge sign that hovered over the freeway and started lawsuit after lawsuit that never succeeded in getting the sign taken down. Apparently, there was nothing immoral about the words "the" "adult" and "bookstore". Not that a judge could find anyway.

Rolf was convinced that the guy who worked the counter there wouldn't care about our age. He was convinced we could just tell the guy we were eighteen and walk right on into the back. He was sure the store didn't care about things like that, and he convinced me to go in with him after work on a weeknight, on our way home from a dirty day of work, just to "check things out".

(Rolf was always convincing me that things needed "checking out", and I usually just said "sure" and checked things out with him.)

I was sixteen by a few weeks, if I remember right, and I was quiet and a wee bit shy and I had been raised in such a manner as to fear the embarrassment of being hauled down to the police station, and having my parents called.

When you walked into this "Adult Bookstore" the first thing you were surprised by was how small the store was in comparison to the building. I mean, it was a formidable building and the store was maybe twenty feet by fifteen feet with a large counter taking up some of that.

My eyes took in the toys that were everywhere displayed, but they never focused on a single one of them. I knew I was surrounded by natural skin imitations and weird dogtoy looking things, but I refused to see. I was embarrassed and a little frightened of being caught out and I found myself focusing on Rolf's back shoulders, trying to go where he went, and do what he did.

Ever get so nervous that your vision becomes sort of tunnel vision and your mind has thoughts that feel like they had to squeeze through a wrinkled tube of toothpaste to come out? That's where I was with all of this.

And when I look back on it now, I realize it was the humiliation of my family and friends (other than Rolf) that was making me feel this way. The teasing I would have to endure if I were caught and dragged down to the police station for looking at nine inch plastic thingies and big boob magazines trampled over my more fearless self, and I was a mess.

I really was.

Rolf was his usual cocky self in this situation. After all, he had a porno-sized penis so this was all well within his comfort zone. Rolf, I think, saw himself as a budding porn star in his young male fantasies. Looking back... yes... I really think he did. The lewder sides of life were no problem for him. As long as he had someone to keep him feeling physically safe (someone like me) he was right at home gazing at whatever in front of whomever.

Not me. I was timid and embarrassed. I was focused on Rolf's shoulder. Where he went, I went. I didn't want the guy at the counter to see me seeing anything. Things all felt weird to me. This was all way out of my comfort zone.

Rolf went up to the counter and put down two dollars. He asked for tokens. The clerk, who cared nothing for Rolf and I, gave him tokens for his bills. I pulled out two dollars and copied what Rolf did. "Tokens, please". I felt a bit like Bilbo Baggins. What was the adventure and why was I even part of it?

Rolf headed off into a hallway covered with a curtain. Shit. You mean the place was even dirtier than out here? There were things too gross to look at in the shop, so they were down a dark and smelly hallway?

Movies. There were doors. Lots of doors. On each door was a film poster, only smaller. On each one of these, there were descriptions of the short porno clips you were to see if you went through the door. Rolf just went about the business of looking for a movie he wanted to see and then disappeared inside of a door.

Shit. I was all alone in a dark hallway and I was nervous and timid and way out of my comfort zone. I kept walking and looking at these little posters and saw too many guys in them. I didn't want to look at naked guys. That just seemed too weird to me. Gay or something.

I saw a poster that had three girls and no guys on it. I guess this is where I was going to spend my tokens. I started to enter into this dark room and grabbed the door handle and lightly pushed. It was dark where I was going and I really couldn't see well, which was disorienting to me.

From behind me, a very softly-spoken, kind-sounding male voice said to me-- "Do you mind if I share this movie with you?"

I turned startled. An average sized man in his early forties, I would guess, very professorial and lightly grayed with nice teeth and kind eyes and an impeccable sweater that went along with a nicely trimmed beard was standing there in a kind way and smiling at me.

"Sure," I said, as I nervously shuffled into the darkness.

OK. Now remember how I started this story? About the knife that went into my jeans and about me breaking the guys' arm in a moment of great strength and macho madness? That was to make up for telling you about some guy in Hanes slacks who touched my erection. Think of it as a preface to a gay moment I never saw coming. Think of it as the Yang to my whimpy Yin.

"Sure".

I said "SURE!"

WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?

Any guesses out there? Anybody have the ability to see into the naive mind of a sixteen year old kid? Anybody want to take a stab at me?

I thought--"Huh. The guy must be out of tokens."

THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT! I swear. Some nice man, watching movies, runs out of tokens and he wants to see another movie. He sees me and thinks to ask about me sharing my tokens. I am a very giving kid- I always give money to the strangers who approach me and sell me something raffly for a dollar, always- and he asked so nice and polite. Who says no to such politeness? I certainly don't. I was raised by good people.

I shuffled into the dark room and was shocked to find the end of the room before I expected it. I was standing in a five by five room. It was dark. There was a man I didn't know now in here with me, and suddenly, small alarms started sounding. Something is uncomfortable! Something is uncomfortable! Those alarms.

Then the man started putting tokens in a box on the wall. He knew right where to fumble with the tokens and he just kept putting them in, ten, twelve... maybe even more than twelve tokens! AND I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY!

My mind froze and I was suddenly a kid in a big boys body and I was very out of my comfort zone. I had no clue how to proceed here. Then a "tit tit tit tit tit tit" sound came from behind me and a bright light struck my shoulder and the room became very surreal. I realized that the movie had started and that I was in the way of it. I backed away and up against the wall. The professor guy sort of squatted against the not so far away wall and the projected image traveled in a beam between us.

I remember thinking scared thoughts and being thankful for the protection given me by this beam of light. He had to stay over there if he wanted to see the movie. I would just stay over here until it was done, and then get out of this room. Three naked girls appeared on screen and started doing sex things to each other and moaning along to some pretty cheesy music. Most of what I was seeing I had never seen before. I was scared, I was leaning against a wall, I was ignoring the professor guy who was sort of squatting against the not so far away wall and I was now gorged in blood and my pants were uncomfortable and if I could just be cool and try not to panic, I would get through this and out of here. This was all just too weird for me. I didn't like this. I was not an adult and at that moment, did not want to be in an adult bookstore anymore.

At first I wasn't sure what I was feeling. The pressure on my pants was significant and I was trying to pretend it didn't exist. But the pressure was moving up and down. Up and down. Up and down...

I looked down, and the guy was gently rubbing his palm against the bulge in my pants.

GAHHHH!!!

I grabbed his arm in the same manner I grabbed the arm of the guy who tried to stab me. The fear in me was making me very strong and I felt like I was hurting this man by just squeezing. The look on his face as he was pulled upwards by me through the projected light is something I will never forget. If I was scared, this guy was terrified.

Naked girls did licky things on his cheeks as I looked right at this guy's face. I only knew to try and act brave, but I know my voice was shaky and quivering.

"That's a good way to get your ass kicked," I think I said to him. I know he had done nothing to deserve that from me, but I was scared, and way out of my comfort zone. He started to shake and out of his mouth came the pathetic words "I'm sorry."

I let go of his arm. I turned and tried to open the door. The professor had known to put the privacy lock in place, and I had not seen this. I tried to open the door and it would not open. I was in a state of panic. I yelled something like "Let me out of here!" and pulled hard on the door knob. Nothing. The professor reached over and flipped the lock. The door opened. I was back in the dark hallway and now I wanted to find Rolf and just get out of there.

"Rolf! Rolf!" I called in that hushed yelling people do. "Rolf! Rolf! Come on, man, let's get out of here! Rolf! Rolf?"

Rolf never came out. I couldn't stay. I was a nervous bundle of need-to-get-away and that is what I was focused on. I stormed out of the back hallway, bursting through the curtain and then heading straight out the door and into the twilight. I marched straight toward Rolf's truck, got inside and waited for Rolf to come out. I was shaking. I was full of adrenaline. A man had touched my erect penis and I had not seen it coming.

Twenty minutes later Rolf came out with a big lackadaisical smile on his face. I was upset with him.

"Didn't you hear me calling you in there?"

"Yeah."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"Why the fuck didn't you come out?"

"I had just put more tokens in. What? And waste them?"

"Tokens? Tokens? Do YOU KNOW what just happened to me?!"


Epilogue-- I can spot a gay man from a mile away, these days. I've had gay friends and gay room-mates, and if they want to make sexy, weird comments about my ass I shrug it off as their gayness coming out. I mean, what the hell. If you are gay, that's what you see and think about, yeah? I mean, sometimes I talk to girls' boobs. I don't mean to. I just do. And I like to see nice legs lead to something hidden and forbidden. All that guy stuff. So I understand that compulsion- though inversed- in others. And I know how to be in the world, knowing that gayness is part of the world. Gay isn't my thing but it's an OK thing. Just so you know...