Thursday, February 16, 2012

A Couple Of Screws And Superglue....


It's been awhile since I've had something meaningful to write about...

Now I do, so I am going to share. If you are squeamish, leave the room and come back with a beer for me and anyone else who wants one. Or a soda.... Or a fruit smoothie....

Ah hell... there's nothing to be squeamish about...

I went skiing today with a female friend of mine and things were grand all morning. We had new snow and sunshine and I was pounding the chunky powder pretty good.

After lunch, we went back at it and I noticed something odd with my skis. I couldn't set an edge with my left ski. The ski was WOBBLY and it wasn't me. A couple of screw had come loose that held my bindings to my skis.

Now I don't know about you, but BINDINGS means "to be bound" where I come from. Not loose and wobbly.

I told the girl I was skiing with I'd ski the easy runs with her and stay off the steep and chunky stuff but I'm not good at going slow so I got going really fast. Then I went to stop with a hard left turn into what I call a "hockey stop" but my left wobbly ski would not bite the snow so I had to use my top ski and try and bite the snow and this wasn't as effective and I ended up just laying it down and into a slide...

This would have been fine except that the left ski popped off and flipped up on its edge.

This would have been fine too except that I landed on this edge and if you've ever felt the edge of a good ski you'll know that it's pretty sharp. It cut through my ski pants and through my bicycle shorts I like to wear beneath them (the chamois seat pad acts as a ball warmer) and into my skin. I felt the cut as soon as it happened but it was on my ass so it didn't hurt.

I told my ski gal that I was done for the day, and that she was welcome to finish out the last hour of skiing-- I'd simply wait in the truck.

When I got to the truck I put my hand back where the cut was and it came back excessively bloody.

Oh crap. The cut was bigger and deeper than I thought.

Luckily, I keep incontinence pads in the truck for Mum and one of these slapped over my ass was perfect to act as a makeshift giant bandage, which I sat on (which was just what the first aid manuals tell you to do- keep the pressure on the wound...

I took an hours nap and my ski gal and I drove the hour and a half back to my place.

When we got there I pulled out the pad to show her how clever I was and it looked like.... well.... you girls with heavy flows know what I'm sayin'...

My ski gal was shocked, so to shock her more, I pulled down my pants for her to see the wound and I wasn't expecting the "OH MY GOD!" that I got, but apparently I had quite the gash.

I wanted to say "It's just a scratch" like they do in the movies so I did. She shook her head and told me I needed stitches.

"I have superglue" I told her.

So my evening was spent doubled over a couch with my pants down while her and my Mum helped each other superglue my ass back together. Apparently it was about a four inch long, deep gash - "I have gas" I kept telling them- and the operation was difficult, because they took a long time.

When it was all over my Mom kept saying "I like your ski gal" and I kept asking, "how does my ass look?"

3 comments:

Jeannie said...

Seriously? you superglued your ass back together? that's fantastic!

Back when I skied, I had my brother's hand me downs. I'd never skied on anything else so the fact I couldn't control the one ski, I thought had more to do with me than the skis. I liked to put that ski on my weaker left leg so I could just lift it for turns and stops and let my right leg do the work. I fell down a lot. Everyone laughed at me. I didn't take much to skiing and spent a lot of time in the chalet drinking hot chocolate.
Then a guy borrowed my skis and screamed at me that he'd had to rent skis because mine nearly killed him.

Nevins G. Manafe said...

well written Mr.Scott, get well soon! :)

dogbait said...

You really made an ass of yourself.