Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Losing My Nuts...

So a few weeks back, I was riding to Mt. Ashland to go skiing with my she-ski-partner in her older model Subaru wagon...

And we were so busy yacking we ignored the dire warnings of the needle-gauge and ran out of gas 3/4's of a mile from the exit we always stopped at to gas up and pee.

I hopped out of the car without hesitating and said "I'll be back" (saving five minutes of debate over who should or should not make the walk)...

I'm the one with the 37 inch inseams and therefore the faster paced walk, and my she-ski-partner is the one with a car full of stuff she can organize while she waits on the side of the freeway with her lights a-flashing...

The only trouble was, I was already wearing my ski pants and we were not yet in the mountains and the sun was shining...

Which meant that I was going to fill my underwear up with sweat no matter what and I'd have to ski the day in them...

And fungal spores just love sweaty crotches....

So I picked up a case of jock-itch and suffered with it for several days before I passed by a Walmart on the way home from somewhere and pulled in to get relief...

Some people may not know this, but the Walmart employees are not necessarily experts in their departments...

Which means when I had to approach the older woman walking the aisles in a blue smock and brandishing a price-gun to ask her about jock-itch remedies, I was a bit on the leery side. What I really wanted was a nice gentlemanly pharmacists with a pair of reading glasses perched on the end of his nose and an air about him that suggested "I've had jock-itch before so I'm all sympathetic to your woes, brutha"...

And this woman looked like she didn't really like men at all...

"Excuse me," I started politely. "Where are your remedies for athlete's foot, jock-itch and the like?"

"Next aisle over, bottom shelf on the end."

Well that was easy...

But when I got there all I found were athlete's foot remedies. Sprays, creams, powders...

Nothing there for raw nuts and red-on-fire crotches...

I went back to the lady. "I found the stuff for athlete's foot, what about the other?"

"The other?"

"Ummm, yeah. For the ummm, jock-itch?"

"It's the same thing."

"Are you sure?"

She rolled her eyes as if to tell me I was stupid for not trusting her because she DID work in the department, and all...

"It's the same thing."

"You can put that stuff on your tender parts?"

"I'll go ask."

She left me and went back to where a pharmacists MAY have been hiding (I didn't see one when I looked, which is why I asked her in the end). Then she returned with a smug look on her old face and said "It's the same thing" and then walked off as if I were sated.

Well I wasn't sated. But I thought about it some more. If there were no areas devoted to jock-itch remedies and a big section here for athlete's foot fungus, and jock-itch is a fungus...

So I bought two spray-cans of the generic equivalent of Tenactin (because they were on a two for one sale) and headed home, hoping I had made the wise choice for my boys and the sack that surrounds them...

OH MY WOOCHOW WEE!

So spray going on a foot FEELS NICE when it is cold and soothing. And I mean cold like freon- the spray they use to freeze things they want frozen...

But IT DOESN'T FEEL great going on yer nutsack in the winter time.

One minute I have a pair and the very next second I have an empty sack!

Gone.

Like touching a sea anemone...

Bloooop!

Gone.

Empty, shriveled sack...

Now an ashen grey...

And smoking...

SMOKING???

My nutsack was smoking!

My nuts were gone.

And the tender skin betwixt the limbs was burning as if someone had doused the raw skin with rubbing alcohol...

"It's the same thing", I could hear that smug woman in the blue frock saying.

NO. IT IS NOT!

4 comments:

dogbait said...

That proves it! You are a nut case.

Jeannie said...

You poor thing. I cringed when I got to the part where you said you bought the stuff - I found that spray hurt my toes like blazes and I have always been really glad of my girlie parts so I'd never have jock itch. I think you should have trusted your gut.

Shrinky said...

What's "Jock-itch"? Is it like, um, Thrush - that nasty-like yeast infection that makes us girlies want to scratch and scratch our delicate lady-parts until they near bleed (and give the unfortunate impression to any unlucky bystanders that we are desperately - yet unhappily, pleasuring ourselves??

There is a God, after all (smug smile).

Jean said...

So much for WalMart Wisdom.