Unisex... Unicycle...

So about three weeks ago I bought a unicycle.

I had ridden one as a teenager (before I discovered vaginas) and I thought it would be good for balance as well as good as a leg exercise if I rode one again.

I remembered the old adage "once you've learned to ride a bicycle, you never forget" and wondered if that were true, was it also true for half a bicycle?

Well I remembered alright. I just wasn't nearly as good nor as comfortable on the seat as I remembered being as a teenager...

I'm close to one hundred pounds heavier than I was at the age of fourteen. I'm also considerably fonder of my testicles (having been through so many adventures with them over all these years) and so a unicycle seat JUST CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH PADDING.

The day after the first day I rode mine, I had bruises on my inner thighs. I don't bruise easily but there they were, two dark patches of broken cappillaries about an inch away from the boys and down each thigh. On day one, I rode the unicycle in short, amazed-at-myself-spurts. On day two, I couldn't even contemplate sitting on THAT SEAT!

But I persevered as I tend to do and now I ride it about a thousand feet up my road and then back again to my house. I consider it part of a days workout as it is indeed a workout (and great to keep an aging body in balance). The first thing I have learned to do when getting on it though, is reach down inside my pants and pull the boys up and out of the way so I don't inadvertently sit on them. Which also means I have to start by holding on to something while I do my reaching and pulling.

SO here is my story--

I took my unicycle out of my front gate the other day, closed the gate to keep the dogs in, and walked the unicycle up to the stop sign nearby and mounted the unicycle using the stop sign for balance. Then I reached down and pulled my boys up out of the way so my ride would be a far more comfortable one and set off up the road like a drunk circus bear. Behind me I could hear my dogs barking and barking on their side of the fence but I assumed they were just barking at me and my silly new one-wheeled look so I told them to shut up and kept teetering and wheeling down the road. I zigged and I zagged and I pedaled and I flapped my arms around a bunch to keep from falling over, and I eventually made it about a thousand yards down the road before I got tired and lost my balance and fell off.

Then I walked another sixty feet down the road to the nearest mailbox so I could mount my unicycle, adjust the boys, and make the return leg back to the house. As I got to the mailbox, something in the vineyards caught my attention. Then I preoccupied myself with smoothing out the gravel next to the mailbox so my start would be uneventful (starting on a unicycle is harder than going. You want a smooth first pedal or you often fall flat on your nose). Then I mounted the unicycle, holding on to the mailbox for balance, got "situated" by reaching down the front of my sweatpants and grabbing a handful of penis and testicles and pulling them up and out of the way. Finally, I raised my head towards home and prepared to begin my wobbly return flight ONLY TO BE ASTONISHED THAT JUST TEN FEET FROM ME- WALKING TOWARD ME AND LOOKING RIGHT AT ME- WAS A CHUBBY SCHOOLGIRL ABOUT THE AGE OF TWELVE complete with backpack full of school books and pigtails and freckles on her cheeks...

Oh my...

She had just witnessed me grope myself bigtime!

And the thing of it was, WHAT SHE SAID was so perfect it nearly knocked me off my wheel. Do you KNOW what she said to me? I shit you not. She said "I bet that's hard."

OMG...

I had ten things to come back with as a retort for that, but I kept having to remind myself THE GIRL IS ONLY ABOUT TWELVE!!

I said "It's very hard, you shoud ride one sometime" and rode past her like a drunken bear back to where I couldn't possibly get into any trouble...