Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hummingbirds And Bears And Balls Oh My!!!

I have a hummingbird feeder in a staghorn sumac tree that is planted in a half wine barrel. Since redoing the back deck, I've rolled the barrel about several times, trying to get it out of the way.

Inevitably, one of my hummingbirds will show up, get disoriented, and then find the feeder once again. Hummingbirds actually look "every which way" by turning their heads while remaining virtually motionless in mid-flight with their bodies. I find the head snapping back and forth rather amusing.

The other day, seeing the feeder rather low, I decided I had time and inclination to go make up a new mixture of "red sauce" for the little tykes. Before I could stand from my thinking thoughts seat, a hummingbird raced in, took a swill, and then raced out over the roof line and out of sight. I grabbed the feeder, started heading to the kitchen through the garage, and heard the familiar wind-whir of the hummingbird's wings as it returned for another sip...

"&$%@*&#!!!" is what the hummingbird said as it went to the exact spot it had just drank from, "it was here a minute ago!!"

The hummingbird whipped its head to the left. It whipped its head to the right. Then, what made it so amusing, was that it did the Aflac Duck head shake-- you know the one where the duck can't believe the shit that just happened.

Yes, I witnessed the flabbergasting of a hummingbird. It was so amusing, I stayed put, half tucked into the garage holding the feeder out of sight while the hummingbird tilted its head down, up, left, right... "@#&%*&@!%!????"

Teehee. I had flummoxed an animal with a brain the size of my belly button lint...

Boy was I proud.

The hummingbird eventually stopped flying and just sat on a branch staring at where the feeder had "just been".

I eventually succumbed and boiled up some new brew and when I returned and hung up the feeder, the hummingbird had a new lamentation...

"&%*$#%@!! THIS SHIT IS HOT!!!"


I was reading up on bear repellents, the kind you spray in their faces when they are "bearing down" on you. These are essentially pepper sprays with lots of extra "oomph!" in the can so you can spray them as they're running at 35 miles an hour right down your throat...

Mum recommended that I get some, as she's now seen two documentary television shows about bears, which all inevitably carry stories of bear maulings (one guy climbed a tree and the bear climbed up and pulled him down!") and so I did. They can't ship it in a plane so it will be winter before it gets here, prolly, and the berries will be gone and the bears will all be asleep... Oh well... (There is always that pair of pit bulls who chase me when I am on my bike).

"Then you can run away," Mum said matter of factly.

"Oh no! If I pepper spray a bear, his eyes will slam shut and his nose and throat will swell up, making it hard for him to breath. I'll dance around (I did my Ali shuffle shadow boxing dance) and I'll say 'What do ya think about THAT bear? You're not so tough NOW, are ya? Why I oughtta poke you in the eye and kick ya in the ass, you big hairy menacing sack of bear poop! Ha! What'sa matter? Got a wittle sumpin' in yer eye?"

Mum looked worried.

"Ummm, I think you better just run home."

On the ad copy for one of the bear sprays (they're all "oil of pepper" mind you) it states--

"Guard Alaska is the only brand of bear repellent that is known to repel all species of bears. Bear repellents are made with the same OC hot pepper formula as traditional pepper spray. The only difference is that the EPA has approved the “bear spray” formula to be a humane protection against vicious wild animal attacks on humans."

WTF?? The EPA is approving bear spray? (Does the hummingbird head shake...) WTF?

I like how they worry about how humane the spray is. I suppose if you put the EPA guys and gals in a situation where a bear attack is imminent, and you gave them a giant gun and six different pepper sprays to choose from to defend themselves, they would read the labels on the cans to find the one that was "EPA approved" to be humane before inflicting any inconvenience on the bear.

Uh huh...

I still prefer this approach--
"As you walk or travel through bear territory, and if you can not see more then 50 to 100 feet in front of you, call out every few minutes until you enter a clear area. Some people call out, others sing, some wear bear-bells. The point being to make a lot of noise. In most cases the bear will move off the trail and watch you pass. They rarely look for a confrontation."



When I installed our heat pump on our pool, I actually sat down and read the directions. One of the WARNING! statements said: "Evisceration Hazard!"

Now I know what evisceration means, but I don't reckon everyone who installs an above ground pool next to their trailer covered in plastic and surrounded by rusting vehicles and packs of dogs, does.

They should have written "WARNING. The INTAKE (that pipe thingy where the pool pump sucks water out of the pool)CAN SUCK OUT YOUR INTESTINES!!!"

That's why you have guards in place over the pipe end. It really does get a good suction going if you run a big pool pump and have just the one intake port.

After reading that I took a good hard look at our situation-

We have a regular-joe-sized pool pump taking water from the pool at the regular spot. You're supposed to hang a skimmer over this spot which acts to shield you from being sucked onto the end of the pipe. We don't, because I skim the pool everyday while in the pool with a small net. (The pool cover makes the skimmer unfunctionable, since nothing can follow the current on the surface when there is a wet blanket over all). This hole will grab your skin (usually on your back) give you a good fright, leave a small, quickly disappearing hicky, and generally act as good fun all around.

Needless to say, I didn't worry about this pipe when I first set up the solar and filter loop of the system.

But when I added a new system alongside this system, with a monster water pump motor (because I'm a bit like the tool guy from the tele in that way) I now had a pipe end that would cause "AN EVISCERATION HAZARD".

Worse than that, it would suck the balls right off a man!

Especially if you were a man who had 37 inch inseams and were just happening to be reaching for a floatie floatie while not paying attention to the quiet, deadly sucking going on just below the surface. You would feel a "tug" of sorts, as your testicles would get jammed into the pipe opening. That would produce a sharp painful "slap" (enough to make any man sick to his stomach). Then the sucking would intensify and first one, then the other ball would be sucked into the pipe, stretching the scrotum to the tearing point...

As the scrotum tore, your balls would fly through the pipe like bullets through a barrel, smashing against all 90 degree bends, then get shredded flying through the water pump, then get grated in the panels of the heat pump, then spit out in the form of fish chum back into the pool 4 degrees warmer than when they left your body (though unrecognizable) while you still stood there affixed to a two inch pipe being eviscerated one foot of bowel at a time...

I put a safety cover over this orifice to keep this from happening.


secret agent woman said...

I couldn't read the last bit.

I love watching my humingbirds at the feder. Did you know you can just mix sugar and water? - they really don't need the red coloring.

Anne said...


Jeannie said...

Listen to your mother.

Follow the instructions.

Anonymous said...

I was doubled up reading that bit about the masticated testicles. Not with laughter I might add.

I wonder how many English visitors you get to your country when they won't come here because they shit themselves over our spiders or snakes. And you guys have bears!

Of course you've heard the one about the two Irishmen who came to Oregon on a bear hunting trip and saw a road sign saying "Bear Left" so they went home.

Cheesy said...

lol @ dogbait...

What a tale! I love watching the hummingbirds.. just about time for them to move on- so sad.

Keep your "boys" safe!

meno said...

Umm, there were pretty hummingbirds when i started reading...but that last bit made me forget them.