Friday, July 31, 2009

Pee Pee...

Mum was a nurse for 40 years... so the idea of collecting urine for testing wasn't anything out of the ordinary in her world.

In my world, the idea of keeping ALL of your urine for a 24 hour period and storing it in your refrigerator next to the milk was grossly discomfiting...

(But if you had a mean streak and a bit of evil in you, the whole ordeal could be made more palatable by adding in a half gallon of orange juice, or so I surmised...)

Mum's doctor noticed a decline in Mum's kidney numbers and sent her to a specialist. The doctor turned out to be an Indian woman with a last name so long, nobody ever tried to pronounce it. Her first name was "Shubba", so everybody called her "Doctor Shubba" and, I must say, she was very stereotypically Indian in so many ways, with the accent, the loose fitting skirts and the incredibly dark eyes and fine features...

I kept expecting to see a dot in the middle of her forehead.

Dr. Shubba was great, and ordered a urine analysis and an image set of Mum's kidneys. I took Mum in to the lab at the local hospital and had these done. While waiting for Mum to come out, a lab rat gave me a half-gallon orange container with a good lid and a set of instructions.

"She needs to collect all of her urine in a 24 hour period and put it in here".

OK. No problem. Mum's a nurse. She can DO that.

Mum came out of the backroom carrying an extra orange bottle in her hand and I wondered why she had the second one when I had the first one? Apparently, she was worried she might fill the first one in 24 hours (she drinks alot of fluids) and asked for another. So we went home with two plastic half-gallon plastic jugs with good lids, and Mum started filling one of them up the next morning.

"You DID put the lid on tight, right?" I asked her when I found it in the fridge on its side next to my beloved milk.

"I think so."

"I HOPE so."

And so it went.

Having something as unusual as a half-gallon jug of pee in your refrigerator at least gave us something amusing to mull over and quip about.

"Did you know Steve once peed in an empty lemonade bottle and got me to take a sip of it?"

"You probably deserved it."

Oh good lord. Even my Mum has a thing against me.

Half way through the day, Mum got in the pool and was doing her pool exercising when the urge to pee came over her.

"Oh, I was afraid of this happening!"

"What's wrong, momma?"

"I have to pee."

"Well get out of the pool!"

"I will. I will! But I need to get to the bathroom."

"Just get out of the pool and pee. You'll never make the bathroom."

Mum struggled up the steps I put in for her and desperately tried to get herself out of the pool and onto the deck. The trouble with a 74 year old woman with a walker and some balance issues (from the stroke) in these situations is obvious. There is no "squeezing-of-the-valve while you run-to-the-loo"...

Incontinence issues and having to drive a walker made sure of that.

"Don't pee in the pool! Don't pee in the pool!"

(I was IN the pool!)

"I'm trying, Dammit! Stop that and help me!"

I put a hand on Mum's rump and pushed, and she climbed the steps and stepped out of the water and onto the deck.

"I need something to pee in!"


"I NEED SOMETHING TO PEE IN! Get me something! Hurry! It's coming!"

I grabbed my favorite metal mug, the one I always use for ice water when I go outside, tossed away the ice and the water and handed it to Mum. This was one of those big mugs designed for too much coffee, which was why I liked it for ice water and it was my favorite mug for drinking out of... and...

Mum shoved the mug between her legs and started peeing in it.

Oh good lord!

"Mom. That's my favorite mug!"

"Oh it'll wash up. Now hush. I'm concentrating."

When she was done "concentrating", she looked at me like "Well, you ARE gonna get this mug from me and go pour this into the big orange container in the fridge, right?"


I did, and while I was in there, I had an idea. I took the other orange container and washed it as best I could in the sink (I later read NOT to use the containers for anything but urine sampling, because they put some sort of preservative in the container... Oh.) Then I filled it with orange juice and put it in the fridge next to Mum's container. When Mum finished swimming and came in and sat down in her favorite chair, I casually opened the fridge, pulled out the orange pee container (with the oj in it) and poured myself a glass right in front of her.

It was the look on her face as I drank the oj and it dawned on her what I was doing that made the prank worthwhile.

Teehee. Gotcha.

I still don't know though, if I'll ever drink ice water from my favorite mug again...


Jeannie said...

I love the sense of humour.

Go ahead and use your mug. After all - you don't know how many people have used that orange juice container for pee before your Mum got it either.

Sweeti said...

I have had to do this 24 hour save myself, I got the old cooler chest out and put ice in it and just kept it in the bathroom. I couldn't even think of using the fridge.
I could bleach the cool chest.
That was a good prank though.

Shrinky said...

I love the banter between you and your mum. I sure hope the test results come through okay, how long before you know?

Give her a hug from me.

Cheesy said...

Gawd I love your Mom.."You probably deserved it."

Spoken like a woman who knows you!

Just remember you are not too old to spank and you have to sleep sometime. You better behave!

Mushy said...

Once knew a lady that peed in her coffee cup during a traffic jam. She came in the next morning and was telling the story while filling up the same cup with her morning brew...didn't seem to bother her, but the rest of us walked away!

Jean said...

I believe I would make a gift of the your mum.

kario said...

You guys crack me up! Hope things are all good with your mom. Someone's got to keep you honest!