Satin House Coats, Wet Calves, Sticky Underwear, And Crafty Butt Cheeks.

One may think one knows the damage a butt crack and a pair of butt cheeks can wreak, but one may also be dead wrong.

I always assumed I was a reasonably graceful big guy. Sure I brush up against walls when I walk and knock paintings and pictures off their hooks with my lunky elbows. I know this happens. I’ve accepted it and gotten used to it, and I am even excelled in catching the frames before they hit the ground- part of my claim to gracefulness.

But this morning was not at all about my lunky elbows. This morning was weird. This morning, my butt cheeks conspired and pulled the door hooks right out of the bathroom door, the ones I installed years ago to hang house coats on when taking a shower.

Yes. My butt cheeks did that.

I still can’t believe it.

Me.

It happened to me.

I had dried off in the bathroom and was in the process of simply putting on underwear. The bottom parts of my legs were still damp, and underwear always clings a bit to damp skin as they go on. We all know that. That is a general rule of underwear. Another rule is that unless you sit down, you have to balance on one leg to put on underwear. And you have to do this for a short time with each leg. We all know this rule too.

SO THERE I WAS, standing in the small confines of a steamy bathroom, sticky calves at their ready, lifting one leg and placing my big foot through the leg hole of my underwear. The sticky skin grabbed at the blue cotton. I had to straighten out the underwear. I lost my balance just a bit and simply bumped back against a long, satiny housecoat my Mum had left on that hook for quite awhile. Unbeknownst to me, the act of bending forward and leaning back, opened my butt crack just enough to surround the satiny cloth from two chubby-cheeked sides, and when I leaned forward to try and balance and get my other foot into the second underwear hole, my butt cheeks closed on the satiny housecoat like a rubber vice, gripping the housecoat with undeniable force.

This time, I lost my balance just a wee bit forward, and as I got my second big foot through the hole in the underwear, I simply stepped forward, like I have done countless times before, only this time, my body weight and the grip my butt cheeks had on the housecoat were enough to jerk the hook clean out of the door. Two wood screws… right on out…

The housecoat fell over my head, and I stumbled a bit more, and I very skillfully leaned forward and bent down, releasing the housecoat from the grip of my butt cheeks- demonstrating just how graceful I can be under duress.

True story.