Thursday, February 15, 2007

South Park Is A SUCCUBUS and Cartman is A Fat Sucky Bus...

I’ve had two-fitty on the brain for years. Ever since I happened to catch the “Succubus” episode of South Park. Yeah, I know, “happen to catch” sounds so coincidental, like my speeding life and a TV cartoon collided in an intersection and I was forced to exchange vital information and lie about the two and twelve thing.

I was home on a weekday and Comedy Central seemed as good as any to leave the TV dialed to while I napped off and on.

This particular dialogue struck me as oddly funny. Memorable even (evidently), and maliciously brain tacky. I can still see the Lochness Monster dressed as a girl scout. I can still hear the question the monster asked.

Funny how certain bits and pieces become part of the big picture…

Chef's dad: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?

Stan: No, that's okay.

Chef's dad: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.

Chef's mom: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"

Thomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes-

Chef's mom: Oh, it was so scary!

Thomas: -and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."

[a long silence follows]

Kyle: What's tree-fitty?

Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.

Chef's mom: Tree-fitty.

Stan: He wanted money?

Thomas: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

Chef's mom: I gave him a dollar.

Thomas: She gave him a dollar.

Chef's mom: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Thomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!

[The optometrist's office. Cartman is on the examination chair flanked by a nurse on each side. He is wearing a breathing mask. Dr. Lott moves around him]

IDr. Lott: Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right? [the nurses giggle]

Cartman: Hey! You son of a bitch!

Dr. Lott: All right. Time to laser me a little piggy. [the nurses giggle]

Cartman: Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick you square in the nuh- [Dr. Lott turns up the sleeping gas] I'm gonyanya, uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh [the gas knocks him out]

Dr. Lott: I bet his mom wishes she could do that.

[Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story…]

Thomas: And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-

Nellie: August.

Thomas: -August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout-

Nellie: And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all.

Thomas: -And she says to me, "How would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-

Nellie: Raisin oatmeal.

Thomas: -Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and she says, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."

Nellie: …Tree-fitty.

Thomas: Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.

Nellie: The Loch Ness monster.

Thomas: I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!" It said, "how about just two-fitty?" I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!"

Nellie: Lord, he was angry.

Thomas: Damn right, I was angry!

Nellie: Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.

Thomas: Aah, shut your mouth, woman!

Stan: Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?

Thomas: Sure. That crazy old monster…

So, my diet has stalled somewhere around 256, 257... That’s OK. Another push soon and I’ll be under two-fitty once agan.

And I say “two-fitty” because that’s what got me into middle trouble to begin with. For years and years I ranged between 235 (skinny) and 245 (normal) and one day (about a year after watching this South Park episode, I stood on a scale and saw 247...

247... That’s almost TWO-FITTY!!!

You know what I did? I ate and drank three pounds right then and there. I did. I made myself a huge burger, ate far too many fried potatoes, and consumed lots and lots of beer.

I waddled over and got back on the scale--


And, unfortunately, TWO-FITTY stuck around…

At work, there are times when strength and weight are the only thing you really need to get something done. On those occasions, one of the boys will call out -- “We need TWO-FITTY!”

I’ll call back-- “I got TWO-FITTY!”

“Come here TWO-Fitty!”

“Here I come!”

“Hey, it’s TWO-FITTY!”

“I got TWO-FITTY!”

“You got TWO-FITTY?”

“I got TWO-FITTY!”

“Good. Cause we need TWO-FITTY right here!”

The last time I was in California, I stopped by my favorite place in the whole world -- The Salvation Army’s Regional center.

This is like the gold mine of Thrift stores, and I check the place out for big Tee-shirts with goofy stuff on them.

I also look for big sweat pants that I can trash at work. I found a pair. There was a quiet Asian girl at the counter ringing up stuff. I put down the sweats. She had to scan the item to find out the price.

“How much?” I asked quietly. (These places are as quiet as a library, for some reason, ever notice?)

“Two-fifty.” she said.


I don’t know exactly what came over me.

But I know I scared the crap out of her…


Hammer said...

I've not seen that episode but it sounds like a good one.

Have you seen the weightgain 3000 from the one on the fatass cartman picture?

I'm still about 265 270 it must be all the blogging, thats it. but I can still beat my skinny little kids in a race around the yard. They look so pitiful after big fatass dad smokes their asses in a serious foot race. Ahh I still got it.

Lizza said...

LOL! You would've scared the crap out of me, too. More than Nessie and an obese Cartman ever could.

CSL said...

No doubt! She probably had no idea what had come over you. It's funny how something like that will strike you, and then it becomes a catch phrase for the rest of your life.

Scott from Oregon said...

Hammer-- I recall seeing Cartman in that condition, yes.

My all time favorite was Timmy getting to sing with the garage band.

" Timmy!"

Man, could that kid sing...

Lizza-- I have to really work hard at being scary.

CSL-- "What we have here, is a failure to communicate." has stuck with me since I was a kid.

Oh, and "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of your ass."

"Again? That trick ALWAYS hurts."

"I'll just button up my sleeves..."

"Owww! Now here's something I hope you'll reallty like..."

(But you have to do the voices...)

CapricornCringe said...

Oh my God! You ate Kenny! You bastard! (sorry, I couldn't resist)

South Park amuses me. You amuse me. See the pattern here?

kario said...

Just hang on to the two-fitty and don't aspire to the tree-fitty like that greedy SOB monster. You'll be fine...

Fromoregon said...

OMG you make me laugh! Thanks...

slaghammer said...

Says Cartman - It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation. This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.