Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Magnificently Mesmerizing Gouda Gypsy Know-It-All


The magnificent Gouda had a deal going, where she divined your character and surmised your soul, and came up with FIVE QUESTIONS that were apropos to your very distinct personality. She was like that arcade gypsy in the Plexiglas box, only instead of answers, you got questions… These five questions were deemed “apropos” for my personality, and I have attempted to answer them as earnestly as I was capable…


1. Would you rather be machine-gunned to death with Lite-Brite pegs or assassinated by Cabbage Patch dolls? Explain.

2. Describe what your first date was like.

3. What do you have in common with the following objects: A can of silly string, an acorn, Queen Elizabeth's thigh.

4. Hillary Clinton offers you a high, powerful position in her cabinet (just assume that she won the election) provided you perform a very nasty sexual favor for her, however you were just offered a chance to take over Hugh Heffner's role in the Playboy Mansion, provided you give him a blowjob first. What do you choose?

5. Suppose you work in a lab. You need a 15% acid solution for a certain test, but your supplier only ships a 10% solution and a 30% solution. Rather than pay the hefty surcharge to have the supplier make a 15% solution, you decide to mix 10% solution with 30% solution, to make your own 15% solution. You need 10 liters of the 15% acid solution. How many liters of 10% solution and 30% solution should you use?

OK. SO HERE ARE MY ANSWERS. I REALLY THINK I FAILED--

1. Would you rather be machine-gunned to death with Lite-Brite pegs or assassinated by Cabbage Patch dolls? Explain.

(Well, the only people I know that accept that there are only two choices to be made within any given scenario are REPUBLICANS. So in the interest of furthering along the political understanding of the masses, I am going to demonstrate a decision making strategy that can be very effective in dealing with real world problems…)

Have sex and drink beer.

2. Describe what your first date was like.

Oh boy. This will be longer than you wanted. True story, though.

My first real “date” where I asked a girl out, went to a movie, and she touched me ‘there’ was in the eighth grade. She was a square girl with big new breasts and a boyish haircut but girlish dimples. She was a bit loud and had a thing for me and hung around a lot and got her friend to convince me that I should ask her out.

I almost did it just to prove I wasn’t gay, as I had not quite caught the vagina bug at that age and was far more interested in boy things like sports and sports and mud and not being discovered that I was a nervous young teen who trembled inside talking to girls with big new breasts.

The whole incident involved swapping phone numbers and making arrangements to “go out” and it ended up being her father and mother and her coming to my house to get me on a Saturday afternoon.

Father showed up in a brand new Dodge Hemi 4wd step-side with bigger than necessary tires and wheels. He had just bought the truck, and the window stickers were still in the windows…

I was worried of being teased so I waited at the end of our cul-de-sac, sitting on my butt on the curb, wringing my hands.

I had to jump up and wave at the big red truck to make sure they saw me. They did and I got in and now there were four sitting across the bench seat, Father, mother, big-breasted-dimply-short-haired daughter and nervous-on-the-inside me. I got the window seat. I was thankful for the air.

Father was a big Ol’ Baffoon Welder Dude. He talked to stave off nervousness, and went on and on about his new truck. The gearing. The hemi. The on-the-fly 4wd shifter. Every time we came upon some road work (like, thirty feet of gravel patch on an otherwise reasonable road) he would shift it into 4wd and roll his window down and waggle his steering wheel to feel the difference in how his truck steered…

The trip to the afternoon matinee was almost like a safari across Africa, only much shorter.

I bought popcorn and sodas (chivalry was not dead) and we found ourselves lost in the darkness of a movie theatre, and my date seemed hell bent on touching my penis as much as possible during the whole movie. And I mean just with the tip of one finger. And I mean so lightly that it felt like a bug was crawling across my crotch for over an hour.

And looking back now, I realize that I did not enjoy that movie at all. I was preoccupied. I was irritated. I was ‘agitated’, but I didn’t have the sense to just say-- “Oh for God’s sakes, girl! Would you just grab the thing!”

Instead, I endured an hour and twenty minutes of thirteen year old torture, trying to “be cool” and slipping my arm over my dates’ shoulder so I could rub her right nipple in the same manner that she tortured my penis.

Then came the credits.

Then came the red truck with the father who had just taken a visit to the carwash. The whole way back to my house, and he was worried about water spots. My date put a jacket over our laps and continued touching my penis with that one finger tip, and Mom barked out directions and wiped smudges off of the inside windows with a tissue.

After two weeks of not “calling her”, we were officially separated.

I heard she got fat.

3. What do you have in common with the following objects: A can of silly string, an acorn, Queen Elizabeth's thigh.

A can of silly string-- if you press my button, stuff comes out.

An acorn-- I too, wear a cap over the top of my head. Though my chin isn’t nearly that pointy.

Queen Elizabeth’s thigh-- There is a pun here about a royal screwing, but I can’t get it to congeal.

I too once called what was between my legs “Prince Charles”.

4. Hillary Clinton offers you a high, powerful position in her cabinet (just assume that she won the election) provided you perform a very nasty sexual favor for her, however you were just offered a chance to take over Hugh Heffner's role in the Playboy Mansion, provided you give him a blowjob first. What do you choose?

Have sex and drink beer--

OK. I know that is a cop out, but again, I am not a REPUBLICAN, so I can see other options.

But if I HAD to choose, I take Hillary over Hugh ONLY if I got to choose what the very nasty favor was. I mean, the President of The United States! And I got to, uh, you know… stick their heads out of a white house window and wear a cowboy hat and spurs… I know a Woohoohoo moment when it happens to me, I swear…

5. Suppose you work in a lab. You need a 15% acid solution for a certain test, but your supplier only ships a 10% solution and a 30% solution. Rather than pay the hefty surcharge to have the supplier make a 15% solution, you decide to mix 10% solution with 30% solution, to make your own 15% solution. You need 10 liters of the 15% acid solution. How many liters of 10% solution and 30% solution should you use?

Holy Crap!

This is so outside of my field of vision that all I see are follicle roots…

Hmmm…

If I added 0% acid in equal parts to the 30%, I would half the strength to exactly 15% right away…

But now I need an equation that deals with the fact that there is 10% instead…

And if I added 100% acid to the 10% solution, I would need to add some quantity slightly more than 5% of the total volume of the 10% solution…

I’ve got it!

Have sex and drink beer!

15 comments:

Soleilmavis said...

Nice blog

Allie D. said...

You did good, sweetie... Sure you cheated on the first question, but the answer about Queen Mum's thigh was very much inspired. ;)

I'll just take your advice and have sex and drink beer. It's as good as any... ;)

d-man said...

Fantastic!

A blow job? That's what you get after the hair dresser has cut your hair and she needs to dry it, right? That doesn't sound so bad...

CapricornCringe said...

Considering the fact that Queen Elizabeth's husband is Prince Philip and her son is Prince Charles, I have to point out that while your joke was amusing it also had a very high "ewwww" factor. But on the other hand, I'm a Republican :)

Hammer said...

Interesting date. Its a good thing you didn't get any further and get into dad's hemi smelling of fish sticks and elmers glue.

Maggie said...

So, basically the answer to everything is either sex related or better understood with the help of beer...

Nikky said...

WHAAAAAAAH! (that's me, crying)

I can't have sex, and I HATE BEER...

Sucks to be me these days.

amusing said...

Introspection for your birthday, eh? Have some cake too. Oh. And beer. Oh, and better have some sex with that.

Scott from Oregon said...

Fish sticks and Elmer's glue?

My fifth grafe memories will never be the same again...

Sex and beer, folks, are not the answer to everything.

But they'll suffice...

Lizza said...

That was hilarious!

Jeez, that girl sure was horny for her age (or maybe just curious? hmmm...)

Sex and beer...I wish solutions to every problem were that easy to come by.

Blondie said...

Hilarious.

But I'd give Hugh head before fucking Hilary.

Personal preference.

Esereth said...

It is totally bad manners to comment on a post about a subject not related to the post. I know this.

But, must say.

The banner was beautiful! And cool.

But...hon...I don't really know what a banner is or how to use it. It's to make my blog cool and pretty, right? I want to put it on my blog but....that is the end of my knowledge. Do I pay for it? Does installing it involve more than three button clicks cuz if it does I'm sol?

I should have expressed this to you boys sooner but I was breast-feeding.

Jingoistic said...

Wow, your life seems sex-filled from the start! How come that kinda stuff never happens in the UK?

Tom C said...

Bwahahahaha. I've come to give you that finger you asked about! Damn spott you've got some loons over here! Also we both know the only one to touch your penis was named Lance or something like it. One more thing. Have sex and drink beer was not an option! We republicans know this! Why can't Nikki have sex? Some kind of surgery? Ohh and capriconcringe.... SHE BIRTHED HIM!!!!!! Geez ya perv!

slaghammer said...

Regarding questions with only two possible answers, I like the way you think.