Beefsteaks And Heirlooms And A Handful Of Poppers...

Beefstakes and heirlooms and a handful of poppers

They burst in your mouth and they go on your Whoppers

You put them in stew and you sauce up your wings,

Trees are not new and so aren't these darn things...

When the frost bites

When the leaves fall

You know they are done

But miracle grow and some dirt full of shit...

and homegrown tomatoes will make you feel rich...

if there's sun...


OK. So how many put tomatoes together with The Sound Of Music? And not just any music either. You know, THE SOUND OF MUSIC. With Julie Andrews and that cute pixie haircut?

Three of you?

This was the extent of our homegrown tomatoes. I don't even try with tomatoes anymore. Not up here. Not after having lived in northern California where conditions were so perfect you could grow ten foot high plants if you supported them.

These were volunteers. I asked for volunteers and this is all I got. A handful of volunteers.

What ever happened to the glory of the golden good? Was that just a bumper sticker waiting to peel?

Wouldn't it be cool if these were beefstakes and my hand was indeed that big? Don't argue with me. That would be cool. Just the one hand, mind you. I'd need the other for smaller task like getting spoons out of the disposal and wearing watches.

I'd make a hell of an outfielder. I'd make a good traffic cop. I'd be pretty good at slamming my fist down on a table to make a point.

Which reminds me. I need a point, don't I?

Screw it. Not today.

I once wrote a bumper sticker that said--

Shit Happens? Was That

Just Another Movement?

My friend told me he lost his big magnet that he uses to clean up job sites with. A big magnet tied to a rope that you swing along the ground to pick up all the nails.I told him to tie a rope around a big piece of iron and walk around his yard. He'd probably find it.

A couple of knuckleheads ran through our fence the other day. This is the fourth time since my Mum and her husband bought the place. It is right on a country corner. The first rain and when it snows are the times most likely. Knuckleheads seem to pick the most likely times. And the odd thing is, they ALL looked like knuckleheads. Every one of them. I didn't realize so many knuckleheads were behind the wheels of cars.

The first time it happened, I happened to be visiting for the evening. A couple of knuckleheads took out the fence and a twenty five year old fir tree. They were in a hurry to get out of here, so we called the Sherriff. Be nice to me and I'll be nice to you. The Sherriff asked me what the guy driving looked like and I told him.

"He looked like a knucklehead."

The sherriff laughed.

"Just go down there and look for a knucklehead trying to pull branches off his car."

The guy went to jail on warrants and I had to fix the fence myself.

Now I make the person who ran into it fix it. I tell them the same story. Lots of people hit the fence. If they fix it, I don't call the Sherriff and I don't go looking for them. I give my best demented look and it has worked so far.

We'll see if I get home tomorrow to find a fixed or broken fence. I wish I had that big hand I'm dreaming of...

When you grow your own food, you tend to eat more vegetables. This is an observable fact not often considered in schools.

The rains have finally come to Southern Oregon. I look forward to the greening of the grass but not the rain gear we put on at work...

The fence is not fixed and I am waiting for the weekend to call the Sherriff. I want to be relaxed and with no obligations when he comes, so I can be nice to him. I am debating whether to lie and say the two young guys that ran into my fence ran off. They were trying to. But I went out and said howdy, and they had no choice but to stay and say howdy back. They promised to come back and fix the fence but it has now been four days.

There are only two things that money can't buy.

And that's true love and home grown tomatoes...